So this week's reading to me was really powerful. The section where Zander speaks of the couple going through therapy and the woman is yelling “you don’t love me” and he yells back “who could love you when you act like this!” and then directed her to see that it was emotions running her and she needed to find the cause. So many times I will be arguing with my husband and the argument goes off on some crazy tangent and even as I am flinging comments I am thinking to myself “this isn’t even what this is about”, “what is it about him that makes me act that way? I love him and I can still say the meanest, nastiest things to him. It is sometimes like an out of body experience. I once saw a quote that the difference between love and friendship is how much you can hurt each other. Most of the arguments we get into are based off of the root cause of expecting a certain response or action from that person we love and then get upset when they don’t live up to that….how does this tie into leadership?
Last week I heard a teacher moaning and groaning about an administrator who they felt didn’t give a student they had written up – enough of a punishment. I asked the teacher “Did you tell him what you expected/wanted?” The teacher responded with “no”…”then how can you expect him to live up to your standard?” The teacher just stared at me. “Go tell him what you would like to see occur – then if he still doesn’t handle it – you can complain all you want.” This situation is really something similar as above. We can’t hold people to expectations if we don’t make it clear to them what they are.
I’m very impressed that you are able to take a step back and evaluate the situations that you’re placed in. So many people struggle with this. I can tell you that you are not alone with the arguments. I have heard them all. One of my favorites is, “I’m sorry you were upset by what I said.” What? Was that an apology? It’s a very subtle twist from an actual apology, which should go something like, “I sorry that I hurt you by what I said.” Small change, big difference.
ReplyDeleteGood post Cricket. This is one of those times that I wish this weren’t an online class. I wish this were a classroom discussion.
I learned in a Political Science course back in undergrad, a millennium ago, the word "promulgate," as used in a legal context. If you don't know, essentially it means that we cannot hold people accountable for expectations (laws) that they do not know exist. Sometimes I find myself expecting that people think the same way that I do, so don't understand when they just don't do the things that I want them to do. After all, the things I think and do just make sense, don't they???? :-)
ReplyDeleteWow, communication is so complicated... thanks so much for sharing your reflection on how we can love and be so hurtful at the same time. Wow.
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